Ok, so I'm haven't been posting to my blog at least once a week. Honestly, so far this year I'm feeling flat. Usually on return from the Christmas/New Year break, I am excited and revitalised about work and the year to come. I'm ready to launch into planning heaps of exciting activities and seeking out opportunities to promote the library.
This year, it's not happening. Each morning I wake up thinking this is the morning my motivation will return. This is the morning I'll feel a skip in my step and anticipation for the day ahead. Nope - not happening.
I'm not quite sure if I can pinpoint just one reason as to why this is happening. I mean, I took a longer break and I didn't fill my break with drives to Qld which normally exhaust me and make me feel I really haven't had a break. No this holiday I relaxed and I spent lots of time at the beach and quality time with my family. So it's not because I didn't have a good holiday.
I think it might be a combination of things. Currently I don't have enough relief staff so I am constantly on edge that someone is going to get sick and we'll have no one to back fill.
One of my long term, highly organised staff members is off sick, so it has been hard to pick up the things that they would normally do without thinking.
I'm also involved in another project at work that I'm having an internal battle trying to devote time to - also trying to get my head around exactly how to tackle it and get it done in the very tight deadline is stressful. I'm also supposed to be able to pull myself out of my day job to complete this - but that brings me back to the lack of relief staff.
Other things that may be at play are the fact that I do keep an eye on what jobs are going in the library industry and often find a job that I think would be much better than the one I'm in now - be it to be closer to family and friends, less responsibility, higher pay, better conditions, etc. So there have been a few that have come up recently that I have thought maybe I should go for them. But in reality I'm probably only trying to run away from this situation and is the grass really greener elsewhere?!?
I am coming up to having been in this job for 5 years. In the past I always had a 3 year rule - no more than 3 years in the same job. However, since having a child and she is in school, I have longed for somewhere to be long term. To be in the same place so that we don't have to move and Miss A doesn't have to change schools and I'll actually get to get one of those certificates saying I've been in an organisation for 10 years, 15 years, 20 years, 25 years etc. To actually be somewhere long enough to make some big changes or go through some big changes and come out the other side better than before.
That said, there are some big changes happening - restructure, possible (probably more like inevitable) changes to local government models/boundaries in NSW, the never ending battle for funding. And for me that creates a feeling of uncertainty. What happens if my job no longer exists - what then?
Of course, I then kick myself for being worried about something that has not happened yet.
So I'm sorry for this post being so personal and probably a bit depressing, but I felt I had to write down how I am feeling and see if it gives me a light at the end of the tunnel moment.
And perhaps it has, because when I drive to work this morning and I go over the river and past the beautiful scenery which may be a bit muddy and wet at the moment, I'm sure to feel lucky to live here. And if I think about what we did over the holidays - is it really so bad that I should give up this lifestyle?? Is it really as bad as it seems??
Honestly, I think I'm just going through a phase but I really hope that it hurry's up and passes me by.